About Me
The history and founding of Egg Dump Soup
Hey kids, it’s your old pal Papa Dumps here. Did you ever wonder how I created Egg Dump Soup? Well here is the story.
We need to go back, way back, to a series of horrible conflicts known as the Pizza Wars. I’m sure many of you have a relative that is just full of stories from that time. Well I’m no different.
I enlisted early on. I was full of such youthful gusto that I applied to join the elite GRAMBO unit. The training was tough, very tough. It pushed me in ways I didn’t think possible. Many people couldn’t cut it, but week after week I kept making the cut. In the end I made it. I was one of the select few chosen.
The celebration was short lived. I was shipped off to the front the next day, but what awaited me no one could imagine. My youthful innocence was shattered, slowly replaced with adult cynicism. The horrors of war were ere apparent. Some things I saw were so unspeakable that I wish I could forget.
The Pizza Wars waged on for years. I lost many friends, but I kept pressing on. I proved myself at the Battle of Meatball Ridge and nearly met my maker during the Siege of Castle Pepperoni. For my efforts, I was promoted to Sergeant and placed under Grambo’s command. To serve under the unit’s namesake was a great honor.
During the Assault on the Mozzarella Highlands I got hit in my left shoulder and had to be removed from the front. They patched me up and put me on kitchen duty while I healed. It was during this time that I developed my recipes. The soldiers loved my soups and food. They even said that my food gave them extra strength for fighting.
I was itching to get back to the front and was only a few days away from rejoining Grambo when the event that would change my life took place. I was serving soup in the mess hall when out of the corner of my eye I saw something tumbling. It was an enemy garlic knot grenade! I had no time to think. I jumped to smother the grenade, but I landed ass first. I could feel the grenade nestle into my soft voluptuous buttocks and then…black. I was told that explosion tore my asshole asunder and severed my legs from my body. Dooks and blood went flying in all directions. Medical supplies were low and they needed to stop the bleeding. The only thing they had that was sterile was the new medical toilet. They hastily grafted me to the toilet and saved my life.
When I woke up, I was surprised. I couldn’t believe I survived. When I met with my fellow soldiers, they told me that after my explosive dismemberment they tasted the Egg Drop soup and to their amazement it tasted even better than before! We decided to call it “Egg Dump Soup” and from that point on it was the most popular item on my menu.
I could no longer serve in combat but I could still serve in my own way. It was my Egg Dump Soup that fueled Grambo and her Commandos on that fateful day when she sacrificed her life to bring an end to the Pizza Wars. I sell my Egg Dump Soup today to remember Grambo and all those I served with, and I hope that you enjoy my soup knowing that the Great Grambo ate it when she delivered us this peace. I thank you from the bottom of my toilet.
